Harry Potter and the Secret Chicken Coop
by sheikgoddess
Summary: A parody of HP and the chamber of secrets movie, its random, stupid, sus and is meant to offend shippers, storylines and just about everything in the movie. Crudeness and innuendo galore
1. A Very Boring Summer to Come

SG: Considering I feel very uncreative at the moment I decided to write a parody on 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' – enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the movies or merchandise but if chickens take over Hogwarts, you never know!**

Chapter1 – A Very Boring Summer to Come 

Harry sat in his bedroom in Privet drive, viewing all of the photos we didn't get to see in the last movie, including some photos of Ron and Hermione we didn't know existed. His owl Hedwig, gave an annoying squawk.

'Could you shut the hell up Hedwig, I'm trying to miss my friends, look really lame AND make people feel sorry for me. Multi-tasking is killing me!' Harry yelled at his birdy.

'Which explains why J.K. Rowling should have called you Harriet Potter, so you could deal with it', remarked the birdy with another screech.

Harry's uncle, Vernon Dursley suddenly yelled from downstairs.

'If you can't stop yelling at that birdy Potter, I'll have to commit you!'

'Now look what you've done!' Harry shouted at his birdy, rattling the cage violently.

Harry muttered angrily about having to walk all the way downstairs, as he came into the kitchen and was glared at by Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and Dudley, his cousin.

'Could I just let my birdy out for a while?' Harry begged. 'She's been driving me up the wall since she learnt how to talk back'

'Yeah right!' said Uncle Vernon disbelievingly. 'Like you wouldn't use that birdy to keep in contact with that beaver and blood nut you call friends!'

'Well no actually – they're being really rude and I won't write if they don't write. Besides I'm getting too far ahead of the story so I need to shut up'

Dudley was so stupid he forgot his line and therefore had no part in this scene, but he did push Harry, as he was too fat for the camera frame.

'Well, you'd think you'd be more grateful' – Harry tuned out, which made the audience grateful because they didn't really want to listen to the bull Vernon Dursley had to offer.

(A/N: try hitting the pause button on the movie at the right time and it looks like Uncle Vernon is sleep talking).

Harry went to his bedroom so he could pretend to be non-existent in the hopes that Hedwig would stop talking to him because he wasn't sure if she really was talking or if he was hallucinating.

Harry got back to his bedroom to be non-existent but some weird computer generated thing was jumping on his bed.

'Hey you little MOTHER FCKER! Get off my bed right now I just made it you freaking hobbit!'

'Well I was going to tell you that I am I fact Dobby the house elf and that you were in great danger and I was pathetic and you can't go back to Hogwarts because it's dangerous' – Dobby took a breath – 'and all the other plot points but now I'll just take your friends letters and run'

Dobby ran out of the room.

'So they did write to me, I feel loved! Hang on a second…give them to me hobbit!'

Yes Harry was indeed slow.

'I'm not a hobbit' Dobby yelled from the stairway.

'Yes you are!'

'No I'm not – this isn't 'Lord of the Rings' you know!'

'It isn't? Damn wrong script, sorry!'

Dobby ignored Harry/Frodo (he was no longer sure what movie this was), ran into the kitchen to steal tonight's pudding but screwed up the charm and had it float to the living room and land on Mrs. Mason's head.

'Shit' said Dobby. 'I was going to eat that!'

'Mmm…floating pudding' said Mrs. Mason and ate all the pudding off her fingers.

Dobby disappeared on the spot and Harry took all the crap that followed which included some yelling and other stuff that really doesn't count towards the plot of the story.

Through Uncle Vernon's ranting a question popped into Harry's head.

'Hey, how come in the book I was given a warning letter from the Ministry of Magic and in the movie I wasn't – isn't that going to mess things up in the 5th movie?'

'Probably' said Uncle Vernon. 'But you won't need to worry because by the time you start on the fifth movie you'll be too old to act in it'

'Oh fair enough' said Harry, unconcerned.

'Anyway I'm locking you in your room like a prisoner for a long time'

'Damn, I was hoping you'd forget about that'

'Don't we all, because the bars I'm getting on your windows are going to cost me a bloody fortune!'

So the next day Harry simmered and sulked in his room, aware that the only thing keeping him sane was the fact that he had cost Uncle Vernon a lot of money and had therefore pretty much won in the end (Except for the fact that boredom was inevitable and it was a very LONG summer).

**Author's Notes**

Harry: You could have at least given me a colouring book – I'm going to be bored and hot!

SG: Oh get over it and take it out on Hedwig!

Harry: That's a very good idea!

Hedwig: Thanks SG, like I don't get enough abuse around here already!

SG: Ok the birdy just talked. ANYWAY, hope you liked the first chapter, next chapter coming your way very soon. Please tell me what you thought as I appreciate the feedback.

Chocolate is good and so are chickens.


	2. Chewed up skateboards and no cable!

SG: Well boredom inevitably sets in so here's another chapter – hopefully you enjoyed the last one or I would be wondering why you're still reading this fic.

**Disclaimer: I'm officially nuts so how could anything in this fic; even my own thoughts belong to me?**

Chapter 2 – Flying, chewed up skateboards AND no cable!

After a day in his room all day, Harry was bored shitless and the day had felt like a week. How pathetic, at least in the book, he had to put up with three or four days of it. The Harry in this fic is such a baby.

It was night time and Harry lay asleep dreaming of what-ever the hell a pre-teen wizard would dream of. Needless to say we don't want to know.

His glasses lay on a copy of 'Which Owl?' because Harry had finally gotten around to deciding to replace Hedwig – he was sure she had been the one who had started the revolt where owls now got paid for their work, the ungrateful gits. Anyway, back to the story.

Harry woke up from some strange noise and spotted a UFO in the starry sky.

'_What the fk is that?' _Harry wondered to himself.

Harry stared at the UFO for several more seconds.

And then a few more seconds and then wondered vaguely what the editors had been thinking when they had added these crappy and boring shots.

Whatever it was pulled up at his window and Harry decided it was a giant skateboard.

'Oh crap a giant skateboard's after me!' Harry yelled stupidly.

Then he realized that Ron Weasley and his brothers Fred and George were driving it – no wonder why it looked so broken down and poor.

'Shit Ron, why couldn't you come in the morning to rescue me?' Harry whined.

'Well at the risk of being obvious I'd have to say because most muggles aren't used to seeing flying giant skateboards' he answered smugly.

'Oh right. Couldn't you afford the rest of the car?' Harry inquired

'Well er no, actually' said George.

'Oh alright then'

'Yeah whatever' said Ron. 'Couldn't you've at least packed your trunk _before _we got here, we are on a curfew you know!'

'Sorry, I forgot!'

Ron and the others broke the expensive jail bars (which Harry inwardly smirked at, satisfied) and the bars came down with a resultant crash.

Harry hurriedly packed his junk and took it to the flying skateboard and had jumped on before Hedwig went off her face because he hadn't taken her with him.

'Damn it! I was hoping she'd stay asleep so I could get rid of her for good!' Harry muttered, reluctantly grabbing her cage.

Her pleas of 'Take me with you!' woke up the Dursleys and now Harry had to make a run for it. In total Matrix envy, Harry performed a slow motion aerial jump onto the skateboard.

Just kidding – Harry isn't that talented. He tried and failed. Uncle Vernon grabbed his foot and yelled

'You and that pigeon aren't going anywhere!'

'I'm not a pigeon I'm a chicken' Hedwig yelled back.

'No you're not' Harry told her. 'You're a species-confused owl with a pay rise!'

Hedwig sat in the back and cried at the revealing truth.

Then Uncle Vernon did something fans never remembered reading in the book – he fell out the window without breaking a few vertebrae…amazing more incredible than Harry Potter himself…er no we won't go that far.

'By the way Harry' said Ron as he clambered onto the skateboard. 'Happy Birthday'

'Are you kidding? My birthday was actually yesterday and did you even get me a card?' Harry whined.

And with that he sulked for the rest of the journey, leaving Ron extremely confused because he was only following the movie script.

……………………………………………………………………………..

The Burrow 

As Harry went inside, the first thing he saw was a sink full of dirty dishes. What a shit hole, he found himself thinking.

The dishes were washing themselves, which was lucky because the shippers had arrived.

Scrubbing brush/Frying pan shippers: Yay!

Anyway, they tried to sneak past Ron's saber-toothed mum, but animal-like as she was she smelt them a mile off, but then and again the BO from four teen and pre-teen wizard boys cooped up on a skateboard all night might have contributed.

'Where the bloody hell have you been? How on earth was I supposed to go extreme boarding this morning if you lot had bloody stolen it, you little shits!'

'But Mum' whined Ron 'It's part of the script and besides, Harry really had to destroy those expensive bars!'

'I don't care, now because of you I've missed my date with Tony Hawk – of course I don't blame you Harry' Mrs. Weasley said kindly to Harry.

'Brown noser' Fred muttered in Harry's ear.

'Well you'd better hope I don't use you three as a skateboard! Mrs. Weasley quipped.

In Harry's presence though, she did not seem to want to punish her sons further. Ron was betting that Gilderoy Lockhart wasn't the only famous wizard Molly Weasley fancied and did worry for Harry's virginity at his stay here.

'Time for breakfast' she said to impress Harry.

Enter Ron's little sister and Harry's future romance, Ginny Weasley running down the stairs. She wasn't particularly pretty in this film but at least that won't matter until movies 5 and 6…and possibly 7.

Ginny saw Harry after asking about her jumper and froze with fear.

'Oh My God – _he's _going to be my future husband?

Harry/Ginny shippers: Yay!

Harry/Hermione shippers: We're not delusional - we're not!

'Er, yeah sorry about that but I don't write the books' said Harry apologetically

'It's not that' said Ginny irritably 'You were a lot hotter in the book'

'Beggars can't be choosers'

'Indeed, well shit happens'

And with that she ran away to pretend to swoon over her 'secret' heartthrob (A/N: Yeah like we didn't know)

Arthur Weasley, the Weasley's not so efficient financial provider walked through the door.

He met Harry and asked him about the function of a rubber duck and Harry replied 'There is no spoon – I mean function (A/N: I was having a Matrix moment)

'Oh' said Mr. Weasley, clearly disappointed.

'Anyway' said Harry; changing the subject 'Do you guys have cable here?'

As one, the Weasleys turned to face Harry and asked him: 'What's cable?'

The only thing Harry remembered before blacking out was his own shriek of horror. Things had indeed gone wrong…

……………………………………………………………………………

Author's Notes 

SG: Well the chapter was going to go for longer but then it was getting too long. Quite frankly I wouldn't want to read a two thousand-word parody chapter by me either.

Harry: But it was about me!

SG: What's your point?

Harry: Cries

Hedwig: I don't care about him I just want it known that I am indeed a chicken

SG: Right, well anyway tell me what you think and has anyone noticed some strange references to The Matrix? I'm starting to scare myself here…

**Reviewer Replies from last chapter in no particular order:**

**Rustyspoons: Loved the poetry, it would explain why I have a friend who's afraid of crows and when I go out next time I might just carry a shotgun with me!**

**i-am-invisible: Thank you – yes I've been meaning to get unsigned reviews allowed for a while now. I'd probably have more reviews if I did…but anyway, all fixed now**

**Essence of Light: Random as ever and always the first, things will never change and I do plan to spread the religion of chocolate worshipping!**

**Beautyandthegeek: Thanks for being nice even though I know you wanted so dearly to be evil – see you at school**


	3. The Smelly, Horizontal Diagon Alley

SG: Oh dear god I'm back…again. And so begins the next chapter, let the insults begin.

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, not even the clothes on my own back coz technically my parents bought them and I'm too lazy to get a job.**

**Chapter 3: The Smelly, Horizontal Diagon Alley**

_It had to be all a dream. There had to be cable._

Harry woke up. It was not a dream. There was no cable. Was there a chance that there was magical cable in Diagon Alley? Harry would have to find out whenever they went there.

OK. Harry clamed himself in time to watch the pathetic, lame, drugged owl Errol crash into the window. It was funny how one animal could represent half the Weasley family so realistically.

Anyway Percy, older brother and future jerk went to collect the mail because he was a lick-ass, especially to his parents. (A/N: Chocolate anyone?)

'Oh about time!' said Mrs. Weasley. 'We finally got the letters so it's time to go to Diagon Alley!'

She eyed Harry mischievously.

Harry like Ron had just begun to worry about the safety of his virginity. No doubt Mrs. Weasley was looking for an opportunity to get Harry alone. Harry shifted as far as physically possible away from Mrs. Weasley and went with Ron to get dressed for Diagon Alley.

……………………………………………………………………………..

The Weasley's Fireplace 

Harry and the Weasleys stood by the fireplace and Harry was beginning to wonder what they were doing when he was offered a fine powder – Floo powder.

Harry thought he was much too young to be snuffing drugs and the like and was about to say so when Ron spoke aloud:

'Harry doesn't know how to use Floo powder Mum!'

'Oh he doesn't? How cute! I love innocence in a man' said Mrs. Weasley fondly.

Mr. Weasley gave Mrs. Weasley a knowing look and a glare and motioned for her to explain to Harry. She did so and Harry took some of the powder to the fireplace. He was to snuff the powder and then speak the name of the place he wanted to go.

Either way, to Harry it sounded like snuffing drugs and he now knew why a lot of wizards were eccentric – they were high on floo powder. Harry guessed that also explained Dumbledore's behaviour.

Mrs. Weasley was still banging on about it and seeing the look in her eye Harry felt the need to get as far away from her as possible.

'Any place but here' said Harry frantically, whilst snuffing the powder.

Harry was engulfed by a large amount of green flames and disappeared to the next scene in the movie.

'What did he say?' Mrs. Weasley fretted

'Diagon Alley' Mr. Weasley lied, making a mental note to commit his wife and marry a muggle as soon as the Harry Potter series was finished.

……………………………………………………………………………..

'**Any place but here' that actually turned out to be Knockturn Alley**

Harry arrived in a rush of soot.

'_If wizards are so superior, then why can't they invent cleaner and more hygienic ways of travel?' _Harry wondered vaguely as he got to his feet and put on his broken glasses.

Insert dramatic and scary music to go with the scene.

Harry tapped a glass of skulls.

'Anyone awake in there?' he asked them. Not surprisingly, the skulls did not say anything back because they had no line in this movie and skulls are not alive. He then noticed a scabby, rotting hand on a cushion.

'Oh, I should touch the scabby, dangerous hand with a sign under it that says not to touch it!'

Harry/Hand of Glory shippers: Joy!

Harry touched the hand and then the hand tried to rip his hand off.

'Shit…shit…shit!' Harry yelled. 'Get off you bad ass hand!' The words 'bad ass' seemed to have worked and the hand let go and Harry ran out of the place.

In Knockturn Alley, some evil looking people started looking at him. And then they came over. And then they grabbed Harry!

'Not lost are you dear?' said one witch.

'What is this, Hansel and Gretel or something!' asked Harry, getting slightly miffed at all the unasked attention. Harry only liked attention when _he _was seeking it.

'Oh crap, are you telling me we got the wrong location again?' shrieked the witch.

'Yeah, sorry about that' said Harry in response. 'This is actually Harry Potter 2'

'Oh, well do you reckon I could get a part in any upcoming movies?'

'Sure…' said Harry, secretly trying to think of a way out of this situation.

It came to him when Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper came to rescue him.

Harry/Hagrid shippers: …(A/N: Don't look so surprised, there are no Harry/Hagrid shippers!)

Once outside Knockturn Alley, Hagrid started to scold Harry.

'What the F--K do you think you're doing in there Harry? That's a casting agency. You do not go to a new casting agency before a movie series is over!'

'I didn't mean to' said Harry apologetically. 'I was trying to (sort of) get to get to Diagon Alley. What were you doing there?' he said, rounding on Hagrid.

'Well if yeh must know, I was buyin' deodorant, no doubt I need it' he said bitterly.

Hagrid had always been sensitive about his personal hygiene, which in Hagrid's case was exceptionally bad.

Hagrid led Harry to Diagon Alley where they met up with Hermione, Harry's other best friend.

_Harry/Hermione shippers: YAY!_

Everyone else: Delusional! 

'Harry you broke your glasses again, you are such a twit!' squealed Hermione, without even saying hello.

'Occulus reparo'   
Obviously the spell worked and Harry's glasses were fixed.   
But Harry was now confused. In the book Mr. Weasley had fixed his glasses and now Hermione should have been given a warning letter at least. How come Hermione got all the perks? They made Ron out to be such a loser when he wasn't deserving of it, especially when Hermione's been stealing people's roles and lines. 

Unfortunately for Harry, he did not know that when a movie was made from a book; plots could and would be ruined. Anyway Harry thought nothing of it because he thought Hermione just _might_ have been following the wrong script.

They said their goodbyes to Hagrid and hurried off to 'Florish and Blots', Harry still looking sooty and Hermione looking remarkably clean.

'Oh it's the make up' said Hermione in answer to the author's comment. 'I haven't actually showered in three days'

'Yeah, you couldn't ever tell!' said Harry sarcastically, pinching his nose in disgust.

'Why thank you, Harry!' said Hermione brightly, missing the sarcasm in Harry's voice not for the first time.

**Author's Notes**

Hermione: Were you being sarcastic Harry?

Harry: Erm… of course not Hermione, now could you please stay either ten feet away from me or have a shower!

SG: Um…anyway, yes just be nice to me and provide your feedback via the purple button. Oh and by the way, what 'extra' would you like to see in an upcoming chapter?

A confrontation between Mrs. Weasley and Harry

A parody of Sir Nick's death day party

Valentine's day as you've never seen it

Your own suggestion (whatever that might be)

Send in your answer a, b, c or your own suggestion in your review.

Today's quote: _The very existence of flamethrowers proves that somewhere, sometime someone said to themselves – 'I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'_ by some person I can't remember (sorry)

**Reviewer Replies:**

**Essence of Light: Indeed but when are you going to update your story? In fact, when are we going to update our other story? Alas, a mystery that may never be solved…anyway seeing as you're the only person who reviewed (cries loudly and yeah I feel unloved people) I'm dedicating this chapter solely to you and you only, hope you like to be loved!**


	4. Please Define Agression

SG: Well Hi and Hello readers (and hopefully reviews) Read and enjoy

**Disclaimer: Own nothing but I do own the shiny new pencil I found on the ground today…OK I'm lying. There was no shiny pencil I made that part up.**

**Chapter 4 – Please Define Agression**

At Flourish and Blot's Harry and Hermione met with the Weasleys. Unfortunately for Harry, Mrs. Weasley was there and happened to pat him on the arm as they went. Now Hermione had begun to fear for Harry's virginity.

'What's the bet you'll still be a virgin by the end of the summer?' Hermione whispered.

'Not a bloody good one' Harry mumbled back. 'I'm so avoiding her forever from now on'.

Before Hermione could say anything else they realized that all the looks and fluffing up of hair was not for Harry but for Gilderoy Lockhart, an internationally famous and incredibly stupid wizard and yet his books were selling.

It was known however, that after reading one of his books, the reader's IQ dropped about 20 points. Yes, he was famous for the only known school textbook that could make the students dumber.

Anyway, Harry and the Weasleys were now concerned for Lockhart's virginity and that was basically the only part they were concerned for. Yes, tragically Lockhart was still a virgin.

After Ginny and Mrs. Weasley had a perve, Lockhart discovered Harry, whilst the _Daily Prophet _reporter took photos.

'Oh-My-God!' Squealed Lockhart breathlessly. 'You're Harry Potter! You so have to be in the picture with me and we'll be on the front page together!'

Harry was now doubly concerned for his virginity. Harry was still miffed that he was getting all this unwanted attention; what was he supposed to do later when he wanted to have a tantrum and everyone's efforts were wasted here?

'Ladies and gentlemen' Lockhart said, bringing Harry back to reality. 'Can you freaking believe this? And I get to teach at his school too. I'm just such a diehard fan. Yes, you guessed it folks; we will be married one day! Oh yeah, he gets all my books too because he's just so gorgeous!'

Draco Malfoy watched from above, jealous that Lockhart wanted to marry Harry and not him.

_Draco/Lockhart shippers: No!_

_Harry/Lockhart shippers: Excellent!_

Harry was now triply concerned for said virginity and rather than say anything, backed away as quickly as possible.

On the way out, Harry and the Weasleys ran into Draco and had to endure his little hissy fit.

'Famous Harry Potter, can't even go into a book shop without being promised marriage!'

'Don't be jealous Draco' said Ginny. 'You can have him coz I want Harry all to me'

Yes Harry was still concerned for his virginity.

Insert Draco's evil father, Lucius Malfoy who just so happened to walk in to the lovely little reunion taking place at present.

'Now, now Draco be nice' Mr. Malfoy drawled. 'I expect you'll be getting a similar proposal from Lockhart any day now. Too bad old Voldy didn't get you years ago…'

'Now that's not very nice' said Harry indignantly, tears forming in his eyes.

'No it wasn't. Oh, nice scar by the way. Might I just add that if it weren't for you, the Dark Lord and I would be married right now?'

'Hmmm, K' said Harry, unconcerned. Revenge always caught up with him later in the movie so he would have plenty of time to sit back and relax for a while without worrying.

Getting to the point, Lucius and Harry gave each other each an evil glare and Mr. Weasley stepped in before anything else pointless could happen.

'Don't you insult my family' said Mr. Weasley warningly

'I haven't…yet' Mr. Malfoy whined. 'You didn't even give me a chance to! What's the point of being a good guy when you haven't even let me be bad yet?'

'Indeed' said Mr. Weasley. 'Anyway could you please just insert the plot point and be on your way'

'Oh of course. Wouldn't want to keep you waiting'

And with that, Mr. Malfoy inserted the fore mentioned plot point and was on his way.

'Anyway, until I seek revenge, carry on' Mr. Malfoy and he and Malfoy junior walked out of the shop.

Harry thought Mr. Malfoy had to be the most pathetic bully in history but thought it would be rude to say so. Instead he asked: 'So where can you buy magical cable TV?'

The Weasleys looked at him as if he'd just sworn but then Ginny piped up to say: 'What's a TV?'

It was happening again. The worst thing was he had half-expected that question. Needless to say, it didn't make fainting or moving to the next scene any easier for himself or the audience. He then hit the realization that fainting at every little inconvenience was probably the most pathetic _thing _in history. _No, scratch that_ he thought to himself. There _is_ still next year and the practice is good.

Author's Notes 

SG: Hmm indeed it was short. But the next chapter will be so much more fun!

Harry: Do I still have to be concerned for my virginity?

SG: You better believe it! Well anyway, here are today's quotes – _'I'm a bad sponge'_ and '_you gave me syphilis!'_- George, Grey's Anatomy.

Only one of my reviewers will find that hilarious, you know who you are. Goodnight for now until my next chapter.

**Reviewer Replies: **

**Graceypoo: Why thank you. If you think that's bad you should stick around to see who gets shipped in the chapters to come!**

**Essence of Light: It shall be done! You will see the worst valentines day in history!**


	5. The Smell of Fear

SG: Hmmm…here I am again. How I got here I shall never know. ANYWAY let the randomness continue…

**Disclaimer: I own the flying skateboard and I own the secret chicken coop but I do not however, own anything even remotely related to Harry Potter (except for my own copy of the books and merchandise of various types) Ode to the merchandise. **

SG: Oh by the way I'm not doing reviewer replies anymore due to the lovely personal reply I can now do each and every chapter thanks to the wonderful new system. But if you don't sign in then I can't reply to you - I might still do review replies for annonymus reviews, I'll think about it.

**Chapter 5 – The Smell of Fear**

_**(Which funnily enough smells like crap)**_

Well fainting had its advantages and disadvantages. The advantage being that the director could cut more and more scenes from the book without much trouble and the disadvantage being that…well fainting did make Harry look like the biggest sissy on big screen in the history of movies.

……………………………………………………………………………

**King's Cross Station**

Ok, everyone went to King's Cross Station late as ever (with no explanation thanks to the director). Conveniently enough, Ron and Harry were the last to go through the barrier.

'We better hurry up Harry or we'll be late for the train!' yelled Ron.

'Hey Ron' said Harry absently. 'Have you noticed that if you say King's Cross Station really quickly it sounds like King's crustacean?'

'Harry I think you're missing the point here'

'Oh, right…I suppose we better get moving then…'

Harry and Ron ran into the barrier to find that it had shut itself and wouldn't let them through. As a result, they totally stacked it.

'Hey nice stack!' exclaimed a random kid.

Harry glared at the random kid. 'I'll give you nice stack you little sh—

'Well it was a nice stack' said Hedwig. 'But did you have to knock me over at the same time!'

'Hence the point of a stack' said Ron pointedly.

Harry wasn't really in the mood to discuss the concepts and morals behind stacking and changed the subject.

'I don't really want to discuss what makes a stack – can we concentrate as to why we can't get through'

'Yeah' said Ron. Then he randomly said: 'Screw it – we'll take the car!'

'Isn't that somewhat irresponsible' wondered Harry aloud

'Well yeah, said Ron agreeably. 'But we're twelve so we can get away with it and we are with _you _of all people. So I'd say we'll be fine.

'Well it is _me_ I guess. All right, we'll take the car.

……………………………………………………………………………..

**Flying High in the Sky…**

Well Ron and Harry had successfully high jacked the car and were flying high in the sky…

'You know Ron, it would have been better if you'd turned the car invisible before we got into the air'

'Yeah, Ron agreed. 'But then we won't get in trouble for it later, thus ruining the entertainment value of this movie'

'…Oh…right um Ron, did you fart or something?'

'Well yeah, I kind of really need to go to the toilet at this point.'

'Oh OK then'

'Right so anyway – where's the train?'

'On the train tracks, where else?' said Harry, completely dumbfounded at Ron's lack of logic. This lack of logic was further demonstrated when seconds later, Ron drove onto the train tracks where the sound of a whistle could be heard.

'Hmm…must be getting close' said Ron absently.

So then, the train suddenly came up behind them and Ron finally did something smart and veered out of the way. The car turned round and round for the sake of it and then shot higher into the air.

And then Harry fell out of the car.

And then Ron completely freaked out trying to get Harry back into the car and finally succeeded despite getting incredibly sweaty palms.

'What's that smell?' exclaimed Harry, disgusted. 'Did you fart again Ron?'

'Well actually no I didn't fart this time' blushed Ron weakly.

'Are you telling me you shat yourself? Yelled Harry incredulously. 'How on earth am I supposed to live through this?

'Well I was nervous you see and I'm slightly afraid of heights – um wind down the window', Ron suggested trying to change the subject.

Harry obliged accordingly and tried to think of sunshine and daisies. Needless to say – it didn't work.

'I should have listened to Mum when she said to pack a spare change of underwear' said Ron gloomily.

……………………………………………………………………………

**Later – getting very close to Hogwarts**

Harry and Ron's faces lit up at the sight of Hogwarts. Harry at the prospect of getting away from Ron's smell of fear and Ron at the change of underwear.

All of a sudden, the car began to splutter and went down…and down…and down…

'Did you even fuel the car up before we left?' asked Harry.

'What's fuel?'

Harry rolled his eyes seven times over.

'Can we try and go up now?'

'You think I haven't been trying that for the last twenty seconds?'

Then screaming took up the audio for the next ten seconds.

'Don't hit that tree!' yelled Harry in despair.

So Ron of course a firm believer in reverse psychology had to hit the tree, breaking his wand in the process.

……………………………………………………………………………..

**Rolling Around in the tree**

More screaming took up the audio until the car stopped in the tree's branches.

The car shuddered.

The car shuddered again, more violently.

Harry could smell a familiar smell.

'Did you shit yourself again!'

Ron tried a dignified silence.

'OK last time I ride in a car with you – ever'

The tree began to try and kill Ron and Harry by banging the car.

The tree tried to grab Harry through the window and the magical knot on the tree winked.

'I think that tree likes me' said Harry, again worried about his virginity.

_Whomping Willow/Harry shippers: Yay!_

The tree growled.

'I want you Harry!' it said.

'You can have Harry if you don't eat me', yelled Ron shitting himself yet again.

'Some friend you are', Harry observed.

The tree stopped for a second and then choked.

'What is that smell!'

'Ron shat himself'

'Some friend you are', said Ron sulkily.

The tree shuddered in disgust and violently dropped the car.

The car took control and drove away from the tree before it could faint on them and the tree shuddered in disgust, back to an innocent tree with a crush on Harry.

Absolutely sickened, the blue Ford Anglia dumped the shitty Ron, whose personal mess had now reached the seat of the car, the pets and Harry and then drove into the Forbidden Forest. Harry and Ron attempted to run after it but gave up when they saw they had no chance.

'My parents will kill me for shitting in their car' muttered Ron helplessly.

_Shit/Ford Anglia shippers: Yay!_

……………………………………………………………………………..

**Hogwarts castle (after Ron had a change of underwear)**

_Ron/Clean Underwear shippers: Yay!_

After storing their luggage, Ron and Harry headed towards the common room in the hopes of getting away with everything thus far only to run into Filch and his fiancée, Mrs. Norris, who obviously had not divorced from Mr. Norris because of their current legal case happening at the moment.

'Oh dear, someone shat themselves' said Filch to Mrs. Norris. 'In fact the smell is what led me here'

Filch smiled wickedly. Harry glared at Ron. Ron blushed and Harry fainted from prolonged exposure to the toxic fumes of shit. Wow scene changes were getting easier and easier for good old Christopher Columbus. And should I also point out that the smell of fear could undoubtedly be used to _everyone's_ advantage.

**Author's Notes**

SG: Well that has to be the longest chapter I might have ever written.

Harry: Yeah you'd think one wouldn't spend so much time going on about shit. Get it? Shit!

SG: Watch it you or you won't find your virginity after next chapter.

Harry: …

SG: Well anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter because more than likely this will be my last update before Christmas, so if I don't update before next week – MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I consider all my reviews Christmas presents (hint, hint!)

Until next time, let the randomness consume you!


	6. The Most Boring Part of The Movie

SG: So here I am…again…damn for all of you guys reading this. This chapter we shall see the return of the crazy shippers and of course the constant threats to Harry's virginity and his continuous fainting fits. I would like to thank my good friends Ashley and Michael who gave me excellent ideas for Chapter 5. Anyway, on with the chapter…

**Disclaimer: I'm disclaiming, so yeah that pretty much says I own nothing for everyone who didn't know what disclaimer meant. I hope they're weren't too many of you but then if you've been reading this story for a while the IQ level wouldn't be too high at the moment in which case…you're forgiven!**

**Chapter 6 – The Most Boring Part of The Movie**

When Harry woke up _again_ all he could see and hear was the rants of Snape and a crappy newspaper. Evidently poor Ron hadn't been able to find any toilet paper in the last chapter and had resorted to anything he could find which unfortunately had been Snape's newspaper.

'You were seen!' Snape snapped, 'by no less than…um I can't really read this thanks to Weasley…OK let's just say it was bloody ten muggles you little shits!'

Harry wished Snape would stop the pigtail pulling and just confess his love for Ronald Weasley.

_Ron/Snape shippers: Yay!_

'I told you we should have put the invisible thingy on _before_ we got into the air' Harry whispered through Snape's raving.

Or maybe it wasn't Ron that Snape loved maybe it was Harry. Harry suddenly got the familiar shuddering that told him he was again fearing for his virginity.

_Harry/Snape shippers: Yay!_

Ron simply gave a non-committal shrug and stared into space.

'If I could I would have expelled you but as it is you're not in my house you little gutter snipes!'

'Is that a kind of flower?' asked Ron.

'No I don't think so' answered Harry, 'but it's kind of like the name Gertrude. It's a girl's name but it sounds more like a foot fungus.'

'Oh'

In the midst of Harry and Ron's musings, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore had arrived.

(A/N: Have you noticed that Snape's robes make him look like a mix between a vicar and a vampire?)

And in a short amount of time Dumbledore had taken complete control of the situation like the control freak he was, of course making Snape pout.

_Snape/Dumbledore shippers: Yay!_

'Damn you shippers! We're just friends!' 

_Shippers: Denial!_

Dumbledore ignored the shippers and Professor McGonagall turned her attention to Harry and Ron.

'I'm not expelling you today Potter and Weasley simply because I'm being paid to be here for another few movies at least and if you don't get paid, I don't get paid.'

'Besides, Professor McGonagall said smiling slightly. 'You are Harry Potter.'

Harry fainted with relief.

* * *

**Hogwarts castle, Greenhouse Three**

Note the really pointless view of the castle and the recycled theme music from the first movie, anyway…

The second year students were getting ready for their first of about three lessons for the entire school year. Professor Sprout wandered in and began teaching the second years about Mandrakes.

'OK class, I'm going to let you handle plants that can kill you but as most of you are twelve, you're all quite capable! Oh and don't worry, they can't kill you just yet…'

'Do you ever think she sometimes thinks we're a little too capable?' Harry whispered to Hermione, who had of course just correctly answered Sprout's question.

'No! Do you ever stop whining Harry?' Hermione whispered back angrily.

Choosing not to answer, Harry tried to re-pot his mandrake ignoring the pout that Draco gave him. Harry was again starting to fear for his virginity.

Harry dimly noticed the puppetry work of Jim Henson and breathed a sigh of relief. Puppets were annoying on the most part, but usually not fatal.

Neville fainted because he was a wimp and Sprout continued as if nothing had happened. She was later arrested by the board of education for gross negligence.

Everyone else began to work on his or her killer plants and Draco's mandrake bit him.

_Draco/Mandrake shippers: Kinky!_

(A/N: Has anyone wondered why the students can hear and talk to the teacher when they're supposed to be wearing earmuffs?)

* * *

**Back inside the castle**

Note the random shot of Nearly Headless Nick and the only reference to Percy's girlfriend.

Entering the Great Hall we find food…mmm food…oh and um that Harry Potter dude as well.

Ron was trying to fix his wand and Harry was being the greatest friend in the world by telling him he was doomed. This was mostly because Harry was being spiteful – he hadn't forgotten the smell he had had to endure yesterday.

Just then a random little snot rag took a picture of Harry.

'Hi Harry! I'm Colin Creevey and I'm going to follow you around for the rest of the school year and annoy you'

'Right' said Harry 'Listen can I have a few copies of that picture when you develop it?'

'Sure, why?'

'No reason really. One for me, one for my msn profile, one for Ron, one for Hermione, one for Ginny and one for me'

'Erm, sure Harry'

'Now get lost you little snot rag!'

They were interrupted by the arrival of Errol the owl, who dropped a letter in front of Ron and ran into the bowl of what looked to be Texas BBQ chips. (A/N: Does anyone remember that flavour?)

Ron looked at the letter and found it was a howler. The letter opened all by itself. It began yelling at the top of its lungs and it sounded just like Mrs. Weasley.

'_How dare you steal my skateboard! How can I go extreme boarding with Tony Hawk now? You've ruined my date and you never let me say goodbye to Harry! Your father found out about Tony Hawk and it's entirely your fault – if you put another toe out of line I'll tell everyone that you still shit the bed!'_

The howler destroyed itself and left Ron completely mortified. Hermione gave Ron a look that said 'if you still shit the bed by the time you ask me out you can forget about ever sleeping with me'

**Author's Notes**

SG: Yeah I know it wasn't very long or very good but you will get over it and it wasn't exactly the most exciting part of the movie. More to come very soon – the holidays are coming up and I plan to update every story. I'm sorry I didn't have Harry fainting as often the opportunity didn't arise…

Harry: Hey!

SG: Anyway press the purple button and review and I promise to try and update more (I checked and I haven't updated since Christmas – OMG I'm as bad as Essence of Light) but hey year 12 is a drag. Note to rustyspoons that my msn and email is broken until I fix it which explains my unexplained absence. Until next time let the randomness consume you…


	7. Kinky Pixies and the Return of the Smell

**Sheikgoddess**: An update…finally! After countless pestering by friends I finally have another chapter written. YAY! Enjoy…

**Disclaimer**: Don't own much of anything but the crazy shippers are mine…MINE!

**_Chapter 7 – Kinky Pixies and a Return of the Smell of Fear_**

After the interesting revelation at lunch, it was time for their first and by the looks of things only Defence Against the Dark Arts class for the year.

The room was covered in pictures of Lockhart and for some reason had a random dragon skeleton hanging from the ceiling.

'Someone has an ego issue' Harry said to Ron.

Ron nodded in earnest agreement.

Lockhart came strolling in saying 'Let me introduce you to your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher – me'

'DAMN IT' yelled Harry 'I was hoping he really was introducing a new teacher!'

'Oh HARRY!' said Lockhart, ignoring Harry's rant as one in love does, 'It's so great to have a class together, you must simply have a coffee with me after a class!'

Everyone now feared for Harry's virginity, including Harry.

'I'm going to invest in some major protection' Harry whispered to Ron, turning a huge shade of red.

Hermione and Susan Bones simply gave Lockhart a dreamy fangirl look. They would have had to be fangirls, seeing as he was obviously…well not into women.

'Now be warned' said Lockhart, interrupting Harry's conversation. 'I'm really scared of pixies so I'm going to let some random ones out to teach you how to deal with overwhelming shades of blue. For me blue just doesn't go'

'Oh' he added, 'I've got to teach you how to get rid of them to, you know in preparation to defeat the Dark Lord'

Everyone gave Lockhart a blank look.

'You-Know-Who is now using pixies to try and take over the world?' Ron questioned feebly.

'The fiend!' Harry glowered.

_Pixie/Voldemort shippers: Hell yeah!_

Without warning, Lockhart released said pixies and they then vented annoyance and frustration on every one in the room. They were indeed an overwhelming shade of blue and hard to look at even.

One of the pixies saw the look of revulsion on Harry's face and cooed 'It's OK! Once you get over the overwhelming sense of doom and blue, we're actually quite fun to hang out with'

The pixie then winked knowingly at Harry and flew off and proceeded to pick Neville up by the ears.

_Harry/Pixie shippers: YAY!_

'Don't go there, don't go there!' Harry yelled at the shippers.

Everyone ran away from the pixies and into the corridor. Then Hermione finally did something and cast a freezing charm, which rendered the pixies immobile.

'Gee' said Harry. 'Why don't we just call this Hermione Granger and the Chamber of Secrets? Chicken coops are boring anyway. Where's my agent Ron?'

'You don't have an agent Harry. This is the only movie you've gotten an offer for'

'Oh'

* * *

**Quidditch Practice**

Harry and his Quidditch friends were going to practice Quidditch when the whole Slytherin team got in their way.

'I booked the field Flint! You can't have it'

'Yes I can I've got a note to train our new seeker, Draco Malfoy!'

Ron and Hermione were sitting nearby and ran over to see what all the commotion was about.

'I think I smell trouble!' said Ron

'No Ron', Hermione retorted, That's the smell of fear – you forgot to change your pants this morning. Have you ever considered Dry Nites?'

Ron considered this on the way to help out Harry.

Anyway once they got there, Draco was showing everyone their new brooms. Hermione made her famous remark and Malfoy called her a Mudblood.

He then proceeded to do his pureblood happy bum dance.

'_Who's a Mudblood? She's a Mudblood!_

_Who's a sexy pureblood? Me, ME, MEEEEEE! _

There was a most sickening routine to match.

'Who pays her to have her hair look like she's wearing a giant rat anyway? Malfoy asked.

'Warner Brothers, DUH!' said Hermione. 'Anyway no one asked you racetrack!'

Point one for Hermione there…

Anyway Ron was really upset that Malfoy had insulted his future girlfriend so he decided to lay a curse on Malfoy with his broken wand. And it kind of rebounded on himself…

Ron was reduced to spitting up…chicken eggs. But not really big ones mind. Kind of like the medium size that it says on those egg cartons in the supermarket.

Poor underdeveloped chickens…they never had a chance.

Everyone had a laugh and the random camera kid took a picture. Ron and Hermione helped Ron to Hagrid's hut.

Hagrid wasn't really much help and simply quoted Shrek.

'Better out than in'

'Hagrid do you realise you just quoted Shrek?' Harry asked curiously.

'Erm…no o' course not' said Hagrid, pushing his Shrek DVD out of sight with his foot.

And he thought we didn't notice…

'Anyway what happened?'

'Ron tried to curse Malfoy with his broken wand after he called Hermione a Mudblood' said Harry.

'Bastard' said Hagrid angrily.

'I know' said Hermione, beginning to cry.

'HEY!' Harry yelled.

'WHAT?' cried Hermione.

'You're not supposed to be a crying wimp 'til the end of the movie!'

'Oh, DAMN IT!' yelled Hermione, 'I swear someone's messed with my copy of the script!'

Harry looked away guiltily and fumbled with Hagrid's Shrek DVD to cover.

'Hagrid, have you got a copy of Shrek 2 as well?'

Hagrid sniffed the air distractedly in order to change the subject subtly…'What's that smell?'

Everyone turned their eyes to Ron, who was now blushing a very deep red in amongst spewing up more medium-sized chicken eggs.

'That dear Hagrid' said Hermione, wiping her eyes, 'Is Ron's smell of fear'

'Right – do you know where I can get that particular fragrance?'

'Sure thing Hagrid', replied Harry smirking. 'All you have to do is shit yourself'

'Oh' said Hagrid finally catching on. 'Have yer ever thought of Dry Nites Ron?'

Ron could not reply there were another dozen eggs already spewing forth from his mouth.

Harry thought for a moment in silence.

'Wasn't there supposed to be a plot point in this section of the movie somewhere?'

'No' said Hermione. 'The movies don't even make sense anymore they don't need them'

'That makes me feel so much better Hermione'

'You're welcome' Hermione replied smiling sweetly.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

**Sheikgoddess: **Another chapter, which means RoosterEgg won't eat me. Thanks to everyone that ha reviewed so far and I thank in advance for those who will in the future…as in right now!

Push the purple Button

And of course…let the randomness breed


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